


left behind

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, Like Major Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vent fic sort of, friends to strangers to lovers, lee jeno is a great friend, me projecting my shit onto jaemin, only renjun jeno and jaemin are mentioned mostly, repressed trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:38:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22013149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “will you just fucking talk to me? please?” jaemin said, catching renjun before he could run out of jaemins line of sight“jaemin, please, don’t do this,” renjun said, he looked sad and it made jaemin want to laugh because this was all renjuns fault anyways
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 94





	left behind

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t know if this is any good. it’s another vent fic sort of? but only sort of, there are somewhat graphic explanations of sexual assault so please don’t read this if that gets to you. the story is loosely based around personal experiences with that kind of thing, but the way i wrote the flashbacks is very personalized to my own experiences so i’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense outside of my own understanding. i feel like the ending feels rushed, but i didn’t really know how to lead up to it? if there’s anything anyone things could be better let me know! or if there’s anything you liked i’d love to hear it! i love u all, read with caution and don’t forget to eat and take care of yourself, you deserve the world.  
update: I added more to the ending because it felt really rushed, I wanted to show jaemins bit of growth before I jumped into the ending

the cold air of the night sliced through jaemins jacket, despite the chill he shrugged it off and tossed it towards renjun

“it’s cold, put that on,” he said, as if he hadn’t forced renjun out here to begin with

“i don’t want your jacket,” renjun said, dropping it to the floor

jaemin rolled his eyes, he was exhausted

renjun kept pushing himself further and further from jaemin, it hurt

jaemin watched as renjun huffed out a visible breath in the chilly night

“we need to talk,” jaemin started and immediately renjuns face fell

jaemin recognized the panic

“we don’t,” renjun said, faux certainty flooding his words as he avoided eye contact with jaemin

now jaemin rolled his eyes, because this had to be a joke right? renjun was so obviously bothered, renjun hardly even seemed to be able to stand being in the same room as jaemin anymore

“renjun, what’s going on?”

jaemins eyes darted across his best friends face, desperately searching for answers that were tightly locked away

“there’s nothing going on, can’t you just leave things alone?” renjun said, jaemin felt like he was being attacked in a sort

“you’re avoiding me-“ renjuns mouth opened to cut jaemin off but jaemin was quicker, “and don’t say you haven’t, because i’m not the only one who’s noticed,” he finished

the panicked look flashed across renjuns face again but it fled as quickly as it came

jaemin waited for renjun to say something, to explain himself, instead renjun busied himself picking at the skin around his fingernails

“would you please just talk to me?” jaemin was frustrated, he was hurt

“i said there’s nothing to talk about so would you just back off?” renjun said, raising his voice at jaemin

jaemin laughed in disbelief, there was no way renjun would really continue pretending

“why won’t you just talk to me? i know something’s wrong, i’m here for you renjun,”jaemin tried to keep his tone as comforting as possible, but he was irritated

renjun turned on his heel to walk away but jaemin grabbed his wrist, stopping him

“let go,” renjun said, jaemin couldn’t read his tone

“not until you talk to me! renjun it feels like we’re nearly strangers, you act like i don’t exist and when you do acknowledge my existence it’s to wave goodbye when i enter a room because suddenly you just remembered you had somewhere better to be!” jaemin was yelling, he wanted to cry because this was his best friend

he couldn’t keep pretending like renjun was just gonna snap back to how they used to be

“i don’t want to talk to you, let go of me,” renjun said, he was refusing to look at jaemin

“please, just tell me what i’ve done if i’ve done something,” jaemin softened his tone, he was honestly just scared

he loved having renjun in his life, they’d been friends since back in elementary school, they grew their friend group together

renjun was his rock, renjun was his spark of happy on rainy days, renjun was a candle in a dark room, renjun was his best friend and he meant the world to jaemin, jaemin was terrified that he was losing him for good

jaemin didn’t want to have to learn what a life without renjun by his side was like

jaemin watched as the moon struggled to light the porch enough for their eyes to not strain

jaemin couldn’t make out the features of renjuns face, he couldn’t tell if his lips were in a frown, if his eyes were worried, jaemin squinted as he desperately searched for anything at all in the boys features

renjun pulled his hand out of jaemins, running off the porch as jaemins feet stood frozen to their spot

jaemin cried to jeno, jeno did all he could to reassure jaemin that renjun_ just needed space_

jaemin hated this. their friend group was dividing, and everyone seemed to be taking renjuns side except for jeno

“i wish he’d talk to me,” jaemin says, sniffling into jenos shoulder

“maybes he just going through a lot right now, you have to give him time,” jeno tried, but jaemin did give him time

jaemins gave him space and time to work things out and jaemin made sure to make it clear that his arms are open if renjun needs someone but renjun wont come

“we used to go to eachother, when there was something going on we used to have each other’s back, i don’t know why he won’t let me be there,” jaemin whispered, because jeno wouldn’t be able to say anything to make jaemin feel better anyways

Jaemin knows he's going against what Jeno told him, he knows Jeno said to give renjun space but its been another week without Jaemin having his best fucking friend by his side and he doesn't know if he can handle it anymore. 

so when he sees renjun, trying to make a run for it when. Jaemin walks into the room, he cant bite his tongue.

“will you just fucking talk to me? please?” jaemin said, catching renjun before he could run out of jaemins line of sight

jaemin was tired of this, he was exhausted

“jaemin, please, don’t do this,” renjun said, he looked sad and it made jaemin want to laugh because this was all renjuns fault anyways

who was renjun to get sad at the impact of his own sole actions

“don’t do this? do what? fight to keep you in my life? i’m so sick of this renjun, i miss you, you’re my best friend, and you owe it to me to atleast tell me what i’ve done wrong,” jaemin said, his nose stinging and he knew the tears were about to well up in his eyes

“i don’t want to talk to you,” renjun says and it hurts like bricks on jaemins chest

his eyes fill up, because this sounds like renjun just wants him out of his life without any chance for reconciliation

renjun must’ve noticed the tears, because his face falls, and he looks even more sad

“it’s complicated jaemin, it’s- please don’t cry,” renjun says and of course those words invite the tears to flow and jaemin doesn’t even try to hide them

“well then why don’t you explain? i have time, renjun, i want to understand!” jaemin tries

“it’s useless jaemin, i know how this conversation will pan out and i don’t want to have it with you,”

“you don’t get to tell me what i will and won’t understand! stop cowarding behind that excuse and talk to me!” jaemins voice raises again, he doesn’t mean to shout

“we aren’t having this discussion,”

“please just talk to me, for fucks sake, you’re my best friend, don’t act like this,” jaemin says, he sounds pathetic honestly, like some sad sap who’s getting dumped and trying to be forgave (even though he has no idea what he’s done for renjun to forgive)

“i don’t want to be your best friend anymore!” renjun shouts back

that hurts, jaemin thinks, like a dull knife slowly cutting through his chest

how elementary of an insult, but the weight was suffocating

renjun really meant the world to jaemin, and here he was saying that he didn’t even want to be in jaemins life

jaemin turned on his heels, letting himself be the one who runs this time because he was one breath away from sobbing

jaemin was confused

it had been almost a month since he and renjun talked, and jaemin felt like his heart was broken

he got that friendships could have that effect, but jaemin had no idea if that’s what he was feeling

he missed renjuns ridiculous texts about stupid stuff, he missed renjuns facetime calls at random hours where they talked about absolutely nothing

jaemin missed renjuns opinions and advice, he missed his presence by his side

jaemin missed renjun, and he was so scared

jaemin missed renjun so much, he missed him in ways he never had him to begin with,

he missed renjun lying next to him, the possibility of renjun turning to his side and wrapping an arm around jaemin,

he missed the feeling of renjuns hand in his even though he'd only ever felt it when renjun would drag him through crowded spaces,

and after a dream, he missed the ghost of the feeling of renjuns lips against his

he hadn’t remembered the dream vividly, but his lips were cold when he woke up,

jaemin shoved that dream far away, claiming his mind was just making up irrational stories

and jaemin missed when things were simple

where did he go wrong? had he said something? had he done something to hurt renjun?

jaemin racked his brain, desperately searching for an explanation for renjun giving up on them

renjun didn’t even give jaemin a chance to fight, jaemin wanted to fight, jaemin wanted to hold on to every last thread of their friendship until he could sew them back together

jaemin would’ve apologized a million times to renjun but he knows renjun wouldn’t appreciate empty apologies because Jaemin desperately has no idea what he has done wrong

but jaemin didn’t have a chance to find out, jaemin didn’t have a chance to learn what he’d done

it hurt like walking barefoot on gravel or falling off a bike and scraping your knee on asphalt; this hurt like childhood scars because renjun had always been intertwined in his life

“...renjuns boyfriend-“ jeno is in the middle of a story before jaemin cuts him off

“huh?” jaemin asks, jeno looks confused now too

“renjuns what?” jaemin asks again

“renjuns boyfriend, donghyuk, they’ve been together for almost a month now come on,” jeno says, laughing it off

jaemin sinks in his chair slightly, the conversation moving along

renjun has a boyfriend now?

jaemin frowns a little, when him and renjun were close he would’ve been the first person to know about this yet now he’s finding out through jeno

jaemin sort of wants to cry, renjun really doesn’t want jaemin to be a part of his life anymore, his active efforts to distance himself from jaemin really did work because it’s been a month in a whole relationship and jaemin had no clue

if renjun hadn’t iced him out, jaemin would’ve known about everything, the initial crush, the first dates, the nervous phone calls, all of it.

jaemins heart broke a little, because he was jealous

renjun was his best friend, renjun was his other half, now renjun shares things with the others instead of jaemin?

now renjuns dating someone and leaving jaemin behind?

jaemin cant help but feel replaced by this donghyuk character, renjun was his best friend

jaemin continues to sulk throughout dinner, and begins to try to rationalize his hurt when he lies down for bed

he wasn’t jealous of donghyuk being renjuns _boyfriend_, he was jealous that donghyuk was now in jaemins place as renjuns person, not that jaemin ever would’ve been what renjuns future partner could be to him

but jaemin was still upset, he felt irrational yet entirely rational

he was allowed to be upset, right?

he just missed his best friend, that’s all.

he wouldn’t be upset that renjun was in a relationship if renjun had still been in his life, if renjun had shared the stories with him, right?

jaemin pretended it was fine when renjun refused to look his way, when renjun blatantly ignored jaemins presence in the group.

jaemin pretended it didn’t hurt.

but jaemin couldn’t pretend he didn’t hate donghyuk.

donghyuk hadn’t done anything really, jaemin just couldn’t stand him.

its just, did he really always have to have his hands on renjun? like he had to show off that renjun was his, like he didn’t tear the boy away from jaemin

“he didn’t,” jaemin thinks, but ignores the thought because he hates donghyuk anyways

when donghyuk walks away to go to the bathroom, the table starts asking renjun about the first kiss, renjun blushes and rolls his eyes,

jaemin also rolls his eyes

jaemin listens to the story, chalking up the annoyance to the fact that if renjun hadn’t shut him out he’d have known this before the others

jaemin listens to the cheesy story renjun gives, hearing their friends coo

he repeats like a mantra in his head that the jealously is only because he misses being renjuns best friend

“what’s wrong with you?” jeno asks and jaemin shrugs and fiddles with the zipper on his jacket

“do you like renjun? is that what’s going on?” jeno asks, a little louder because Jaemin was ignoring him

jaemin frantically looks around to make sure none of their friends are in ear shot

“no!” he says, defensively

“you could’ve fooled me, in fact you could’ve fooled all of us, i think the only one who hasn’t had that idea is renjun because he’s too focused on his boyfriend,”

jaemin just stands there dumbly

“you know you glare at donghyuk all the time, he tries really hard to be nice to you, whatever you have against him seems like it’s one sided,” jeno pushes further

“i don’t dislike him. i just think it’s funny that renjun pushes me out of his life and suddenly donghyuk is right there front and center. i miss my best friend jeno, don’t make up stories,” jaemin says. he feels annoyed

jeno couldn’t actually think jaemin was jealous like that, because sure jaemin hated donghyuk, but it wasn’t out of that kind of jealousy; jaemin is straight

the thought of jeno believing otherwise doesn’t sit well with him; his stomach churns and he feels nauseous

jenos just throwing out random explanations, right? he can’t believe jaemins gay.

jaemin hasn’t done anything to make him believe that, because jaemins straight and that’s all there is to it

“whatever, there’s tension from you and we all feel it, donghyuk is a good guy, and he fits perfectly in our group,” jeno says finally

jaemins stomach flips again, of course donghyuk fits perfectly; hes supposed to replace jaemin

“i don’t like him because he stole my best friend,” jaemin says again, reiterating this because he feels unnerved

“best friends get significant others and stay friends with their best friends all the time,” jeno tries

“yeah but most best friends don’t kick their best friend to the curb when they suddenly get a boyfriend.” jaemin is annoyed

“are you sure you’re not jealous?” jeno asks

jaemin freezes and there’s a faint ringing suddenly

“jealous?” jaemin asks, voice mocking

“i don’t know, you and renjun just were like soulmates or something before this all happened,” jeno shrugs

soulmates? as in romantic?

“stop saying that stuff,” jaemin says, trying to sound warning but his voice shakes a little

jaemins not gay, why would jeno joke like that?

he feels sick now, his stomach hurt and he was getting a headache, he couldn't help but feel angry at jeno

soulmates? he has to be joking? that's not true, that's not even close to the truth, why doesn't jeno realize jaemin just misses his best friend? there is nothing wrong with that.

jeno doesn't try any more, he just looks at jaemin and sighs, walking to his room.

jaemin didn't want to be here, but jeno pleaded for him to come so he would have to walk in alone and jaemin decided he might as well come. jaemin didn't recognize anyone except for chenle and jisung, but they were lost in their own world of whatever game they were playing at the table so jaemin didn't feel inclined to bother them.

jaemin decided to just stand near the wall, taking in the people of the party, jeno wouldn't want to stay too long, right?

jaemin freezes when arms wrap around him, his body stiffening and that pesky ringing in his ears is back, he feels some sort of fear pooling through him,

his stomach flips like he might throw up for a second,

“i’m tired” renjun says, his words slurring and jaemin flinches at the stench of alcohol

his body instantly relaxes, _its just renjun_.

jaemin doesn’t know what to say, renjun hasn’t talked to him in ages and here he is nearly black out drunk wrapping himself around jaemin

“i think you’ve drank too much,” jaemin says, his throat feels dry, why is he nervous?

renjun just hadn’t directed his attention at him in so long, that’s probably it, right?

“no shit, i think i’m already getting a hangover,” renjun whines and leans further into jaemin

jaemin desperately searches around for donghyuk, he doesn’t want him to see renjun holding him like this

jaemins not sure why this feels wrong, they were friends, friends do this sort of thing, hugging, right?

“where’s donghyuk?” jaemin asks carefully, part of him hopes renjun will go back to him but another part hopes renjun stays with jaemin

jaemin just misses his best friend, that’s all

“hyuk didn’t come, he has exams next week,” renjun says, his body feeling heavier and jaemin thinks he might actually be falling asleep

“do you want me to call you an uber?” jaemin asks

renjun nods and jaemin leads them to the couch because renjun really is falling asleep and jaemins scared he might fall over

renjun falls into jaemins side and instantly knocks out, jaemin sets up the uber and puts his phone away

jaemin tries to relax his shoulder, he knows it can’t be that comfortable when he’s tense

but his nerves were crazy, his heart was pounding

he was just scared renjun will sober up and hate him again, that’s all

he’s just missed renjun, he missed his voice and everything about him

he missed renjun talking to him, interacting with him

renjuns head fell and jostled him half awake, renjun readjusted himself, throwing his arm across jaemins stomach and he turned more into jaemins side

jaemin finally let out his breath, relaxing again when renjun was fast asleep

he hoped the thumping of his heart wasn’t loud enough to wake renjun

but if the music blaring around them wasn’t enough then he’s sure he’d be safe

renjuns body heat radiated off him on jaemin, jaemin was sweating.

it was almost unbearable, but jaemin didn't think he had the right to complain, especially when he didn't hate this as much as he wants to make it seem.

he nervously waited for the uber to call and say they were here so he could drop renjun off at his apartment already, but he also didn’t want this to end

the minute renjun was dropped off at his apartment jaemin knew he would revert right back to ignoring jaemin the next day

jaemin wanted to cry.

he finally got the call, and he shook renjun to wake him up

renjun was groggy and very clearly still just as drunk as he was moments ago.

they hobbled to the uber and finally got sat

renjun fell asleep against the window and jaemins side was cold now

he tried not to cry but he was drunk too, and he’s always been more of an emotional drunk

jaemin didnt think it was fair for the world to give renjun back for just one night, he didn’t think it was fair that renjun held onto him and fell asleep against his side

jaemin thinks the worlds playing a cruel joke on him because how dare it show him what it feels like to hold renjun again knowing it’s going to rip renjun away again tomorrow

jaemin would’ve been better off not knowing

when the uber finally reached renjuns apartment, jaemin woke him to tell him

renjun woke up to see jaemin with tears streaming down his face and he frowned

“why are you crying?” renjun asked, even still he was slurring his words, reminding jaemin that he only cared because he was drunk

“you should just go to sleep,” jaemin says and renjun frowns further

“come on,” renjun says and takes jaemins wrist to pull him out of the car

the driver doesn’t intervene, he just nods and drives away when renjun closes the door

“what are you doing?” jaemin asks, sniffling

“well 1. i cant leave you crying in an uber and 2. i can’t let you ride alone in an uber when you’re drunk, what if he’s a psychopath!” renjun says

jaemin only cries more because renjun cares again

renjun cares about him; renjun is talking to him and caring about him and he just misses it so fucking much

he wants to ask if renjuns forgiven him, but he doesn’t want to risk bringing whatever that was up and ruining the moment

“stop crying,” renjun pouts and pulls jaemin into a hug

jaemin doesn’t stop crying, although he tries

but it just feels so good to be back in renjuns arms, to be back in renjuns life even for just a night

he hopes against his rational thinking that maybe renjun wants him back in his life too

“i’m sorry,” jaemin sobs out, wrapping his arms around renjun too

he hears renjun sniffling too now

“don’t apologize you haven’t done anything,” renjun says and jaemin knows he crying because his voice sounds stuffy

jaemin wishes he was mad, mad that renjuns saying that when clearly he had done something wrong enough to warrant being kicked out of renjuns life without any chance for redemption

but he isn’t mad, he’s just sad, he’s heartbroken, renjun really is his world and always has been and it hurt more than anything to lose him

jaemin thinks it’s probably the worst heartbreak he’ll ever feel, because nobody can ever mean as much to him as renjun does, they grew up together, they went through every little moment together, there’s nobody that could fit renjuns place in his life

maybe he was insane because obviously he’ll have to fall in love with a girl someday and marry her and she’ll have to be enough to outshine renjun, but jaemin really doubts that anyone could outshine renjun, he doubts that anyone could fit in that spot

it scares him sometimes, thinking about just how important renjun is to him, but that’s how everyone feels about their best friends, right?

“let’s go to sleep,” renjun says, breaking the hug and wiping his tears

jaemin has to remind himself that renjun is _drunk_ and he doesnt care about jaemin when hes sober

but jaemin follows him anyways, hell jaemin thinks he might follow renjun off the edge of the world if he asked

jaemin tries to stop crying, he really does, but he thinks that last shot of tequila really fucked him over because just feeling the bed dip on renjuns side has the tears falling again

why was he crying so much?

“oh jaemin,” renjun whispers, it’s sad

renjun wipes the tears from jaemins cheeks and curls up against him, wrapping his arms around jaemin to pull him against his chest

they’ve done that before, when they were younger, when they were both in middle school and renjuns parents were talking about moving back to china.

renjun had came to jaemins house crying that day, he told jaemin he didn’t want to leave because jaemin couldn’t come and he didn’t want to have to leave him

jaemins parents let renjun sleep over even though it was a school night that night, jaemin was the one who held renjun that night

renjun clearly didn’t end up moving, his parents decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to remove renjun from the school and society he’d grown up in and stick him in a new school in the middle of the year

jaemin frowned at that memory, he missed the renjun who didn’t want to lose him

renjuns breaths evened out and jaemin pulled away slightly

he looked at renjun, watched his eyes dart back and forth under his eyelids, watched his eyelashes flutter ever so slightly

renjun looked peaceful, his mouth slightly open as he breathed, his cheeks tinted pink

renjuns hair looked soft and messy across his forehead,

jaemin caught himself smiling, thinking that donghyuk was the luckiest boy in the world if got to see this every night

jaemin woke up to the door opening and donghyuk standing in the doorway

jaemin felt his stomach flip with fear and from the hangover

he couldn’t imagine what donghyuk was thinking right now

“jaemin?” donghyuk whispered, and jaemin jumped up, as carefully as he could so renjun wouldn’t wake up

donghyuk looked confused, he didn’t look angry, just hurt

“we didn’t- i didn’t- i know this looks like-“ jaemin starts, panicking, he thinks he might throw up

“it’s okay, i believe you,” donghyuk says, but he doesn’t look relieved, jaemin thinks he just looks sad

jaemin wants to stay and reassure him because he can’t understand why he looks so heartbroken but he feels the contents of his stomach threatening to rise up with anxiety and he grabs his phone and books it out the door, thinking it would probably be best for renjun to wake up to donghyuk instead of him anyways

jaemin gets back to his apartment, jeno instantly begins questioning him but he b-lines it to the bathroom, falling in front of the toilet so he can vomit

“jesus christ-“ jeno says, stopping in the doorway

jaemin cant help but start crying again, because he feels terrible and his heart hurts all over again

“jaemin did something happen? are you okay?” jeno rushes to him and rubs his back

jaemin wishes jeno couldve taken renjuns place, he wishes jeno would’ve grown up with him and learned how to tie his shoes with him,

he wishes jeno would’ve been the one to sit next to him on the bus and tell ridiculous stories until one of them couldn’t think of something funnier to add which meant they lost the game

he wishes jeno was the one he raced home with so they could catch the new episodes of their favorite shows

he wishes it was jeno, because jeno wouldn’t have ripped himself out of jaemins life like an old bandaid the way renjun did

“jaemin please talk to me, did something bad happen? do i need to call someone?” jeno asks again and breaks jaemin out of his thoughts

he shakes his head no and flushes the toilet before he gets up to clean his face and brush his teeth

jeno hovers nervously, obviously waiting for an explanation

“i slept with renjun last night,” jaemin says,

“oh no, jaemin-“ jeno starts and stops, pulling jaemin in for a hug

“it just sucks, i miss him so much,” jaemin says

“was he drunk too?” jeno asks, pulling away

“yes, and that just makes it hurt so much more because i know he only wanted me there because he was drunk, i promise if he didn’t drink at that party none of this would’ve happened, i just dont understand jeno, i don’t know what i did to him that made him push me away,” jaemin rants off

jeno looks sad, “you have to tell donghyuk,” he says

“what? donghyuk saw, he came in this morning, he knows,” jaemin says

“and he didn’t beat you up or anything? did he break up with renjun?” jeno says, eyebrows furrowed in confusion

“huh? why would he beat me up? and why would he break up with renjun? anyways i left before renjun woke up because i figured he wouldn’t want to see me when he’s sobered up,” jaemin said and jeno looked more and more confused

“why did you leave? do you want him to think he’s just a one night stand? you obviously love him-“ jeno started and jaemin flinched away

“wait- wait you think- oh my god no- no jeno we didn’t have sex, oh my god” jaemin shouts, cheeks burning up

“you said you slept with him!” jeno shouts

“i said we slept together, as in we fell asleep on the same bed!” jaemin shouts back

“oh” jeno whispers

“oh my god i can’t believe you thought-“ jaemin started and stopped himself, rubbing his temples

“and you think i’m in love with him?! god jeno no! he’s my-“ jaemin pauses to correct himself, “he was my best friend! i don’t have feelings for him,”

jeno sighs and doesn’t reply

“do you need water? advil? anything?” he asks

jaemin shakes his head and walks to his room

had jeno really believed they would’ve had sex? why didn’t he sound shocked? he didn’t even question it?

jaemin shook his head to himself, groaning at this hangover

and to assume jaemin was in love with renjun? that’s ridiculous, jaemin was straight, he always has been.

did jeno think he way gay? did he act gay? did he look gay?

jaemin began feeling anxious, he was unsure why this was giving him so much anxiety

he knew he was straight, but why didn’t jeno know that? sure he hadn’t brought home girls or dated any girls but that didn’t mean he was gay, he just hadn’t found a girl he liked yet, there wasn’t anything wrong with that; there wasn’t anything wrong with him

he brought it up to jeno later that night, picking at the skin around his nails as he tried to word the question he wanted to ask

“why did you think i was gay?” he asked and jeno looks at him quickly

“what?” jeno asks, putting down his spoon and turning his attention to jaemin

“you thought- uh you thought i would’ve done _that_ with renjun?” jaemin felt like there was a knot growing in his throat

“i’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, you guys just always seemed so close and then the falling out happened and you were heartbroken so i assumed a little alcohol would’ve sparked something steamy, i don’t know,” jeno shrugged it off like it was nothing

“i don’t like him, i’m not gay,” jaemin said, flatly, still picking at his hands

“yeah, i’m sorry for assuming,” jeno says again like it was just something small

like it meant nothing, like him assuming jaemin was gay was a simple innocent easy mistake

it made jaemin mad, it made him scared

he wasn’t gay, he didn’t like boys, he wasn’t one of those _queers_, he didn’t want people to think he was

“do i look gay?” jaemin asked, he didn’t know why his heart was picking up speed, why his chest was starting to hurt

“huh?” jeno asked, confused again

“do i act gay? why did you think i was?” jaemin asks, he’s not sure where this anxiety is coming from but it’s getting hard to breathe

hes not sure why he can't just let this go, he doesn't know why he feels like hes about to explode

“jaemin, hey relax, it’s fine if you are-“ jeno says and now jaemin feels like his lungs are being crushed

Jaemins vision distorts, he cant see straight and his heart beating way too fast its starting to hurt

“i’m not- i’m not gay-“ jaemin stands up, still trying to explain to jeno, he grasps at his chest because his heart feels like it might beat hard enough to break his ribs and he’s starting to shake

jeno gets up quickly and tries to calm him down

jaemin feels like his lungs are too big for his chest, that he can’t breath because his lungs might break through his ribs, that his heart might explode in his chest, it feels like his ribs are shrinking in

jaemin thinks back to the first time someone thought he was gay, he thought back to 5th grade when the boys from the middle school up the street followed him home after he walked renjun to his house

he remembered them taunting him, calling him a word he didn’t realize was a slur yet, grabbing at him as he ran back to his house

he remembered them waiting by the end of the road near renjuns house whenever he walked him home, he remembered wanting to tell his parents but he was scared his dad might be disappointed

he stopped holding renjuns hand because they made fun of that, he was too young to know that only couples held hands, it wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t gay

jaemin thought back to that group of boys going to the same high school as him, he thought back to the way they instantly recognized him and the taunting starting back up even though he. wasn’t. gay.

he remembered getting cornered in the locker room one day, he remembered the guys betting on who could “turn him on”, he remembered crying and swearing he wasn’t gay but they didn’t listen, they just laughed

“jaemin, it’s okay, it’s okay, jaemin i believe you alright, you’ve got to relax,”

jaemin hadn’t realized jeno was hugging him, he hadn’t realized he was sobbing like this

jaemin didn’t realize he had fallen to the ground, he panted heavily, his vision feeling fuzzy

“i would never hurt you, i promise you i would never do anything like that, you’re safe here,” jeno says, his voice calming as he rubs jaemins back again

“i’m sorry,” jaemin says, he’s still crying. he hates this

“don’t apologize, you haven’t done anything wrong,” jeno reassures him, clearly very concerned

“are you okay?” jeno asks once jaemin had calmed down, once the tears had stopped and his breathing became regular

jaemin nodded, he felt embarrassed, he felt ashamed

“i’m sorry,” he said again, he didn’t know why he was apologizing really, but he felt like an inconvenience

“im sorry too, i shouldn’t have assumed your sexuality, i know that’s a heavy topic for some people, that’s my fault,” jeno said, like he was choosing his words very carefully

“do you wanna watch a movie or something? i hear they just added season two of the haunting on netflix,” jeno asks, jaemin nods weakly

jaemin cant help but feel thankful for jeno, thankful that he’s not asking about what just happened, thankful that he’s so kind and understanding

jaemin falls asleep before they even get three episodes in, jeno doesn’t complain.

jaemin cant help but feel embarrassed around jeno, jeno saw him have a panic attack, jeno had to talk him out of it

jaemin feels a little humiliated that he cried infront of jeno, because jeno never cries

jeno never cries over movies or over feelings or anything

jeno never has panic attacks and falls to the floor like jaemin had, jaemin felt weak and pathetic

he wishes he could be like jeno, because jeno was the perfect idea of a man, jaemin had always been too sensitive or too ‘girly’ as his parents would joke about

jaemin cant help but think that if jeno was their son they’d be a lot happier

jaemin felt weak even now, it had been a few days since his breakdown and he was apologizing to jeno again

jeno didn’t outwardly seem inconvenienced or annoyed, but jaemin was just scared because jeno was his best friend too, sure jeno would never fit renjuns place but jeno was his closest friend outside of renjun, jeno and renjun had never been close so they weren’t ever a tight knit group but jaemin used to know that he always had renjun and jeno no matter what

and he was scared jeno might get annoyed and leave him too

but now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure why it felt like jeno could never reach renjuns place, jeno was his best friend and jeno had always been one of his favorite people, but for some reason he just felt like renjun was different. he couldn’t explain it

it didn't sit right with jaemin.

“jaemin, you really don’t need to apologize, we all have our moments where we fall a little,” jeno reassured jaemin

“you don’t,” jaemin pouts, he feels childish

“i do, i just express my emotions differently i guess, remember when my crush back in sophomore year got a boyfriend and i was devastated because i swore i loved her? i didn’t leave my room for weeks and you hung out with me even though i was angry all the time and you pretended i didn’t smell like a skunk because i wouldn’t even get up to shower, and you don’t see me apologizing for that!” jeno says, laughing slightly and jaemin smiles a little

“we just express things differently, but we’re still best friends okay? so don’t apologize to me for having a moment, i’m glad i was able to be there, and i’m glad you’re here for me when i have my moments too,” jeno says smiling

jaemin wants to cry, happy tears, but he doesn’t, because he still feels a little annoying, but he hugs jeno and laughs because he appreciates jeno a ton

jaemin threw himself on the chair next to jeno and groaned,

“stop being so dramatic, the test wasn’t that hard,” chenle said, jaemin scowled at him

they all had their chem final around the same time, they agreed to meet up in the cafe after so they could hang out

“i totally aced that!” jisung came shortly after, throwing his empty bookbag on the table

“why do you even bother bringing your bag to class anymore,” jeno asked, laughing

“i need somewhere to put my pencil,” jisung replied and jeno rolled his eyes

eventually everyone had came out, renjuns final ended the latest and they were all just waiting for him to come

jaemin felt nervous, he hadn’t seen renjun since the night of the party, he hadn’t seen him since the day he had that breakdown after jeno assumed what they did, he felt his stomach turn a little

renjun finally came out, donghyuk trailing right behind him

jaemin didn’t know why it annoyed him. did renjun have to bring him everywhere? the group wanted to hang out with eachother, nobody invited donghyuk

jaemin looked around the group and nobody else seemed annoyed by his presence

everyone greeted them and jaemin began to feel nervous again

donghyuk smiled at him but it didn’t look kind, was he imagining things?

did donghyuk think he hooked up with renjun too? did donghyuk tell anyone? he was basically apart of the group now, would he have told everyone else?

if even jeno believed it, then donghyuk definitely would, and then he would’ve asked renjun, renjun was probably disgusted

does renjun think he’s gay too? is he disgusted by him too?

jaemin knows renjuns bi, but that’s okay because it’s renjun, it’s okay if it’s him but jaemins not gay, he doesn’t like boys, his parents would be so disappointed if he did and he knows he doesn’t so why would anyone think he is?

Jaemin wants to ask them if they believe him, he needs to make sure they understand him but when he tries his voice doesn't come out

his chest starts feeling like it’s crushing him again and he tries to breathe normally, he tries to clear his throat because the knot is coming back

suddenly everyone looks like they’re disappointed in him, like maybe donghyuk really did tell them that jaemins gay

jaemins eyes anxiously jump back and forth because everyone’s looking at him and he doesn’t know why they suddenly look mad at him

jaemin was imagining things, right? they wouldn't believe donghyuk over jaemin right? 

but donghyuk was enough for renjun to forget about jaemin, so maybe everyone else felt the same, maybe they didn't care about jaemin anymore.

jeno notices his erratic breathing and he pulls jaemin aside

“do you want to step outside?” jeno asks, his hand resting on jaemins shoulder

jaemin doesn’t know why he’s feeling claustrophobic suddenly, he doesn’t know why the weight of jenos hand on his shoulder is making him start to panic

jaemin doesn’t know what’s wrong with him

jaemins taken psych classes before, he knows how mental illnesses work, how ptsd works, but he doesn’t have that right?

he’s not mentally ill? he’s not weak, he knows the bullies are gone and they only hated him because they thought he was gay and gross but he’s not and he knows he’s straight so he shouldn’t feel like they’re waiting outside the door for him

he shouldn’t feel like jenos hand on his shoulder is morphing into one of their hands as they played their cruel game with him

jaemin steps backwards out of jenos grasp and stumbles a little

if he never gave them reason to believe he was gay they wouldn't have done this to him, it was his fault,

“jaemin?” jeno calls, but even now his face is morphing into one that’s not his own and jaemin knows his mind is fucking with him, he knows that’s jeno, but it doesn’t look like jeno and it doesn’t sound like jeno

he knows he’s going crazy because this happened before, it used to happen all the time until jaemin somehow forced it to stop, jaemin wishes he knew how he did that, because he can’t deal with this again

“hey, come here,” jeno says, but it’s not jeno anymore, jaemins heart rate instantly spikes and he falls to the ground, he feels himself hit it, it feels like the cold tiles of the locker room floor, he rubs his eyes and opens them again, trying to wipe away the image of the guy infront of him, it doesn’t work

jaemin cant breathe anymore, all he hears is those stupid guys laughing at him, he feels like there’s hands all over his body again

he tries to scream but he can’t hear himself, there’s a hand pressed against his mouth too

“i don’t know what to do- i can’t help him,” jeno says, panicking a little as the others run up after hearing jaemin screaming

jaemin sees his friends surrounding him but just like jeno they aren’t his friends, they’re those guys and they’re all laughing at him

jaemin feels the hands on his shoulder holding him down so he can’t run away and he cries harder, hes being held down, he can’t escape, he shuts his eyes and covers his ears so he can’t hear them laughing at him anymore

renjun instantly rips jenos hands off jaemins shoulders

jeno looks at him confused

“you can’t touch him, you can’t try to hold him it makes it worse, he’ll panic more!” renjun yells kneeling next to jaemin

jaemins eyes are clenched shut and he’s begging for someone to stop and jeno feels outraged because he doesn’t know what was done to jaemin but he hates the way this all sounds, if he ever met whoever hurt jaemin he swears he would beat them up

“jaemin, we’re in the cafeteria, you’re sitting on the floor and i’m right next to you, jenos over there and everyone else is to your other side on the left,” renjun says

renjun continues talking to jaemin, pointing out the things in the room and repeating where jaemin is and who he is

everyone watches nervously, glancing back and forth at jeno and jaemin because everyone is so confused

jaemin finally opens his eyes, dropping his hands from where they were covering his ears, he sees renjun directly infront of him

his body feels heavy and he feels exhausted and he looks around seeing its all his friends watching him

he breaks down into tears again and renjun pulls him in for a hug

“i’m so sorry,” jaemin says into renjuns chest, it’s not loud enough for everyone to hear

“don’t apologize to me, it’s okay jaemin, you’re okay,” renjun whispers back

jeno feels like he’s intruding on something intimate so he steps back and ushers the rest of them- including donghyuk- to give jaemin space

jeno feels bad, he didn’t know that he was making it worse by holding onto jaemin, he thought it would help it jaemin knew he was right there

“i thought this stopped,” renjun says, voice soft as he continued to run his fingers through jaemins hair

“it did,” jaemin whispers back and he refuses to leave renjuns arms, he doesn’t want to face him

“that’s okay, things come back sometimes out of nowhere, it’s not your fault,” renjun says

but jaemin feels like it is his fault

if he hadn’t held renjuns hand, if he hadn’t acted the way he did, if he had tried to stop those guys then nothing would’ve happened

he felt gross, he felt dirty and disgusting

he should’ve tried harder to stop them, it was his fault for not doing anything

he started crying again

“i didn’t stop them,” he sobbed out, he didn’t know where the courage to talk about this was coming from, especially with renjun

“i just let them- i let them touch me because i thought i couldn’t run but i could’ve, if i tried i could’ve just ran but i didn’t, it’s my fault-“ jaemin starts and he feels his breathing pick back up and he hates it, he hates that he’s weak and disgusting and crying again

renjun pulled away and held jaemins face infront of his

“jaemin, i don’t know what happened, and i won’t ask if you don’t want me to, but you have to listen to me, it wasn’t your fault, i know you don’t want to believe me but you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s their fault, they did what they did and made you feel like you couldn’t escape and that’s on them, it is not your fault at all jaemin, they didn’t want you to run so they made sure you felt like you couldn’t, that’s why you didn’t, okay?” renjun finishes

jaemin nods slowly, trying to believe renjun, knowing that that’s how renjun feels makes him feel better, if renjun doesn’t blame him then he can’t blame himself

“okay,” jaemin whispers out

“do you want to go back with the guys and come with us to chenles house? we’re gonna watch movies, if you don’t want to come i’ll tell them you don’t feel well,” renjun offers and jaemin shakes his head

“it’s okay, i want to come,” he says, renjun smiles

jaemin freezes for a second, renjun looks proud of him

jaemin smiles back, looking into renjuns eyes and his stomach flips, but not out of fear

he feels butterflies, it’s just nerves; renjun hasn’t been his friend in a while and he just nervous, he doesn’t want to lose him again

renjun stands up and jaemin follows on wobbly legs

renjun takes jaemins hand and jaemin pulls his hand away and his eyes widen

“my hands are sweaty,” jaemin says, pathetically

“that’s okay,” renjun says, grabbing jaemins hand again and locking their fingers

jaemin hates that he feels safer

nobody mentions what happened, everyone just asks jaemin if he’s feels alright and jeno walks closely by his other side

jaemins thankful for his friends, he smiles again because he feels safe right now, even if those guys are waiting outside the door he has his friends by his side

“hey guys, i’m sorry i freaked out earlier,” jaemin starts as they’re eating dinner

renjun and jeno both frown

“it’s okay, was it a panic attack? i’ve had those tons of times,” mark says, acting like it’s the most casual thing

jaemin shrugs, “i just get freaked out, it rarely happens,” he says

“oh well i used to have them a lot, started seeing a therapist and it helped a lot.” mark says again, like it’s normal

therapy.

the word sits weird in jaemins mind. he remembers his parents fighting; his mom wanted to put him in therapy because he had those attacks almost daily back when it was fresh, his dad hated the idea, he claimed men don’t go to therapy and that therapy is a joke

but mark goes to therapy and he’s a man, he’s probably one of the most masculine, he plays sports and everything, he goes to therapy and he’s normal

jaemin shrugs, and goes back to eating as the conversation changes naturally

renjun and donghyuk break up, they announced it to the friend group as everyone met up for lunch

they laughed it off saying there’s no hard feelings, and everyone was happy because donghyuk had became a staple in the group

jaemin didn’t know how to feel

he felt relieved, because it felt like with donghyuk not as renjuns boyfriend, jaemin could have his best friend back, he wondered if donghyuk really was the reason renjun shut him out

ever since jaemin had a panic attack at school that day, renjun had been talking to him, acting like he existed

jaemin worried it might be out of pity, but he didn’t care too much because he was just relieved to have renjun back in his life

they were by no means back to how they were, and the friendship felt awkward, but jaemin couldn’t find it in him to care too much

“okay i’ll be the one to ask, who broke up with who?” jisung asked after donghyuk had left

it was just jisung, jeno, jaemin, and renjun now

“he broke up with me,” renjun said, he didn’t sound upset

jaemin wondered if he was faking being okay, because how could you just be okay with breaking up with someone? they seemed happy

“why?” jisung prodded

renjun looked at jaemin and froze for a second

he looked away, “we just weren’t the right person for eachother that way,”

jaemin felt anxious, why had renjun looked at him?

was it jaemins fault? did he say something, did he do something wrong?

jaemin sat quietly and let jisung and renjun talk.

jeno say quietly with him

“so renjun and donghyuk broke up,” jeno said as they got into their apartment

“yep,” jaemin replied simply

“are you okay? you seem out of it a little?” jeno asked

“it doesn’t have anything to do with me, right? i feel guilty, i don’t know, renjuns talking to me again and i’m happy but now they suddenly break up? does donghyuk not like me, is that why renjun stopped talking to me when they got together?” jaemin asks, he was frowning

jeno doesn’t answer for a minute

“is it my fault?” jaemin asks again

“i don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, sometimes people just aren’t right for eachother,” jeno says

“plus, donghyuk doesn’t dislike you, he’s our friend,” jeno adds

jaemin shrugs, he can’t help but feel guilty regardless

jaemin can feel him and renjun falling back into place, renjun hangs out with him alone now, things feel back to normal

jaemin continues to blame the butterflies he feels on the fact that he’s probably just happy to have renjun back, they’re just nerves that he might lose him again

jaemin chalks up his overwhelming need to be by renjuns side at every moment on the fact that he’d just missed renjun a lot

he doesn’t have to explain away him holding renjuns hand; he feels safer when he holds renjuns hand, that’s normal, right?

and jaemin blushes when renjun hugs him because he just wasnt used to it anymore, that’s all

but jaemin cant even try to rationalize his thoughts right now

he wants to kiss renjun, he wants to kiss him right here

jaemin looks at renjun, renjuns eyes are on the sky

jaemin swears he sees stars in renjuns eyes

“i missed you,” jaemin says, voice soft, he feels so nervous

this is just renjun, the same renjun he grew up with, the same renjun he’s know his whole life but for some reason he’s seeing him differently

jaemin looks at renjun and sees his pretty eyes, his long eyelashes fluttering, he sees his nose and thinks it’s so cute, he sees his cheeks and wants to hold them in his hands, he sees his lips and he wants to kiss them, he wants to feel his lips against his

he looks at renjun and he wants him in a new way

it scares jaemin to the core

“i know, i’m sorry,” renjun replies and frowns

jaemin doesnt like it, doesn’t like the frown on renjuns face

renjun turns his head to look directly at jaemin

jaemin stares back at him

“i missed you too,” renjun says, his voice so sweet

jaemin wishes he could kiss renjun, wishes it was okay and his parents would still love him

and then it does happen, jaemin doesnt know how, he doesn’t know if he leaned in, he doesn’t know if renjun did it, but they were kissing

jaemin pressed his lips against renjuns softly, not moving at all because he was terrified

his heart was racing, but it didn’t feel like his chest was crushing in on him now

renjun kissed back, jaemin felt like everything in the world was exactly how it should be, despite the turmoil

their lips moved carefully against each other’s, as if both of them were testing the waters

renjuns lips weren’t rough like jaemin assumed all guys were supposed to be, renjuns lips were soft and warm and god jaemin felt like in this moment everything was okay

jaemin had never kissed anyone before, he had wondered what the big deal was, but this? this was most definitely the big deal, jaemin felt butterflies in his stomach, he felt his cheeks flushed with heat, he felt warm all over

renjun had taken his bottom lip in between his, and he sucked gently, continuing the same motions they’d been going at

jaemin let out a content sigh, he couldn’t put words into how right this felt

every puzzle was solved and every lost item was found in this moment, every worry was washed away and the stars twinkled above them

renjun had moved closer, breaking the kiss to sit up slightly

his eyes ran back and forth on jaemins like he was searching for something

jaemin just stared back, if renjun was expecting any words from him he didn’t have them

but renjun didn’t seem to be looking to talk, because he smiled kindly and Jaemin smiled back, renjun leaned back down, cupping jaemins cheek with his hand and running his thumb over jaemins lips

he held his chin and lifted his face, leaning down and taking jaemins lips back between his own

jaemin thought this felt even better, renjun holding him so sweetly, renjun kissing him from this angle

jaemin wanted to stop because the thoughts telling him this was wrong were coming back but he didn’t care, he couldn’t find it in him to care because he loved this feeling too much, it didn't take too much fighting to push the thoughts to the back of his mind

jaemins hand went to renjuns waist, wanting to touch him

renjun had shifted, moving on top of jaemin

jaemin felt panic weasle it’s way in for a brief moment because this was getting real, but renjuns lips were back on his and jaemin didn’t care again

jaemin was sitting upright, renjun had slowly inched him up

jaemin was holding renjuns waist with both his hands now, swooning over the way his hands fit perfectly there, he wanted to slip his hands under renjuns shirt, just to feel his skin, he wondered if it was on fire like his

renjun was the one to deepen the kiss, biting jaemins lip and jaemin opened his mouth, it felt instinctual, jaemin felt like if anyone else would’ve been kissing him he wouldn’t know what to do but this was renjun and renjun knew jaemin and jaemin knew renjun and renjun was so great in every way

jaemin let himself slip his hands under renjuns shirt, he pretended he didn’t do it on purpose, if anyone asked renjuns shirt rose up

renjun leans closer into jaemin at that

renjun slipped his tongue in jaemins mouth and jaemin tightened his grasp on renjuns waist; then renjun moaned at that

a voice in the back of jaemins head returned

jaemin felt like this was dangerous, he felt like this was wrong but that made him want more, as much as it made him want to run there was a fighting force of desire, jaemin wanted to kiss renjuns neck, he wanted to run his hands down his naked chest

like fireworks were booming around them, jaemin had never felt so alive and aware, renjuns shivered when jaemin ran his hand up and back down renjuns sides

the slight movement from renjun ripped forward the panicking voices in jaemins mind, he instantly felt a wave of nausea

jaemin shoved renjun off, his head was starting to spin, his chest feeling heavy again

everything came crashing down way too fast, Jaemin felt like he might have whiplash

“jaemin?” renjun asked, he sounded so confused

jaemin _wanted_ it, he wanted renjun, he wanted a boy

everyone was right

jaemin couldn’t breathe again, this was getting too familiar again, he hated it, he hated himself

“jaemin, i’m so sorry-“ renjun started, he was sounding panicked too now,

“i thought you wanted- god- fuck- i’m sorry,” renjun said, frozen where jaemin had shoved him

“no,” jaemin said, his throat was closing in on him, he wasn't talking to renjun

he tried to get up, but he couldn’t stand, his body wouldn’t move on command

“stop, stop, please stop” jaemin whispered, tears welling up in his eyes

“i’m so sorry,” renjun said, he was crying too now

renjun wondered if he misread the situation, jaemin kissed him first, but maybe he took it too far

jaemins mind began throwing back horrible images, those stupid guys were back, those stupid guys who ruined his life were back and they were closing in on him and they were laughing at him because he /wanted it/

“please stop!” jaemin screamed out, begging the guys to go away, begging his mind to stop keeping him locked in this prison

those gross, heavy hands were touching him all over, they weren’t kind like renjuns, they weren’t soft, they were rough and they were hurting him

“get off me! help! somebody help me!” jaemin was thrashing about, his face entirely red from screaming and crying

renjun was terrified, he felt guilty that he might have brought this on but in his mind he knows how ptsd works and he knows he hadn’t forced jaemin into anything

renjun absolutely despised whoever it was that jaemin saw when he had these attacks, he wished he could kill those guys

renjun sat at a distance, trying his best to talk jaemin down like he used to,

it took what felt like hours, jaemin wasn’t screaming anymore

renjun was scared, would it be wrong to hug jaemin, would it be wrong to try to comfort him right now?

renjun was frozen in his spot even when jaemin stood up on his shaky legs

jaemin refused to look at renjun

“i’m so sorry,” jaemin said, words renjuns heard countless times but they freeze him in his place right now

“you didnt do anything wrong,” renjun tries

“i kissed you, im so sorry, fuck, fuck!” jaemins hands went to his hair

“i shouldn’t have- i don’t know why-“ jaemin was mumbling

“it’s okay jaemin,” renjun tried again, desperately

“it’s not, it’s not okay, i’m- im straight, i dont- i’m” jaemin falls back to the ground and cries

renjun feels like his presence is only making things worse

he calls jeno, and jeno is there in a second, taking jaemin back to their house and renjun still sits helplessly in the grass

he didn’t know what to do

“jaemin, did renjun do something?” jeno hated asking, but he had to

“no,” jaemin said quietly, he wouldn’t look at jeno

“you gotta tell me what happened, i can’t help if i dont know,” jeno said

“i kissed him,” jaemin said, so quietly jeno hardly heard

jeno didn’t know what to say

“was it okay?” jeno asked

“i liked it, i-“ jaemin pauses, staring at his feet

“he got on top of me and i wanted to touch him- his waist- i put my hands under his shirt,” jaemin says, jeno doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say right now

“it felt good, i- i liked it- i’m- they were right- the guys,” jaemins voice lacked emotion, jeno was worried

“it’s okay, it’s okay to like boys jaemin,” jeno said and jaemin flinched back

“i dont- i’m not gay- jeno please,” jaemin said, finally looking at jeno

jaemins mind was running a million miles a minute and he felt like it he admitted what jeno was saying then somehow everything really was his fault, that he brought it on, that he invited it,

jeno saw fear in jaemins eyes

he felt his heart fully break for jaemin, lying about who he was even to himself, jeno had no idea what he could do to help

“jaemin, i think you like renjun,” jeno started and jaemin stepped back again

he shakes his head

“no, i dont, i dont jeno, please believe me, please, i have to be straight,” jaemin says, the fear in his eyes hasn’t budged

jeno sighs

“there’s nothing wrong with liking him, it’s okay jaemin, i promise you, it’s normal,”

“shut up! shut up jeno!” jaemin shouts, tears falling again

jeno stays quiet

“it’s wrong! it’s dirty, it’s gross! i can’t like him, please don’t say that! my family, it’s not okay,” jaemin cries, “please,”

jaemins chest is rapidly moving, his breaths are too fast, it hurts to talk but jaemin has to make sure jeno believes him

he doesn't want jeno to think hes gay, he cant, because then jeno would know everything was his fault, that it was jaemins fault those guys played with him, that they followed him home every day

jeno starts crying too now, because he hurts for jaemin

he hurts for him, jaemins trapped in his toxic beliefs, jeno wishes he understood what jaemin was thinking

“it’s okay, if renjun likes you too then it’s okay, i promise,” jeno tries again, he doesn’t want to fuel jaemins thoughts by telling jaemin he’s straight which is what jaemin wants to hear

“fuck you! fuck you jeno!” jaemin yells, running into his room with a loud slam of the door

jeno stands there; eyes wide and confused

jaemin doesn’t hang out with their group anymore, he won’t even talk to jeno

jenos heart hurts for him and for renjun who looks so sad

jaemin brings a girl home, jeno knows what they’re doing

but jeno doesn’t know what to do when he hears jaemin crying all night after she left

jeno sits on the couch wide awake, listening to jaemin sob behind the door

jeno sees him the next morning, he looks terrible, jeno tries to say something but his words get caught in his throat

jaemin still refuses to talk to any of them, jeno doesn’t even bother asking renjun if he’s heard from him

it takes 3 nights of girls and 3 nights of listening to jaemin crying himself to sleep until jeno intervenes

“jaemin, i don’t care if you’re straight or gay, i don’t give a fuck, okay? but i’m not going to sit here and let you do this to yourself. let me in.” jeno says

jaemin doesn’t respond and jeno turns the handle, it’s not locked

jeno slides into bed with jaemin and doesn’t hesitate before pulling him into his arms

“enough with this, okay?” jeno says, jaemin nods, its weak but jaemins letting jeno in again and that's enough for him right now.

jeno let’s jaemin cry into his chest until he falls asleep

the next morning jeno makes sure jaemin showers and walks with him to school

“i know you don’t want to, but you need to talk to renjun,” jeno says

he expects jaemin to try to run but he doesn’t

“he thinks he did something seriously wrong, he’s beating himself up, you know he’d never hurt you and you’d never hurt him, we’re all best friends, you have to talk to him. he deserves to hear what’s going on,” jeno says

jaemin doesn’t reply, he just nods

jeno doesn’t expect jaemin to talk to renjun today, but he needed to get that in his head

the friend group doesn’t pester jaemin, they don’t question him, everyone just accepts him back in the circle and acts like he didn’t ghost them for weeks

jaemin doesn’t talk to renjun, he’s scared

he feels bad, like he forced renjun into what they did, he knows he didn’t, but he feels like he might have, if renjun pitied him he would’ve let him kiss him right?

he tries to call his name to pull him aside from the group, but his voice won’t come out

so he doesn’t try again

time passes, jaemin forces renjun far out of his life, he can’t help but feel so lost

he misses renjun, and it scares him

he doesn’t miss renjun how he misses jeno when he is away, he misses renjun deeply

he misses renjuns smile and laugh, he misses his pretty eyes looking into his, he misses his hands on him and his lips against his

jaemin misses renjuns comforting words and his arms holding him, he misses having his hand in his and feeling like the world can’t touch either of them

he misses when renjuns sad and jaemin can make him feel better, he misses every single part of renjun

jeno notices, and he tries to help, jaemin appreciates him tremendously, he thinks jeno might be the best person in the world (next to renjun)

but jaemin just smiles and tells jeno he’ll talk to renjun, he won’t but jeno pretends he believes him

jaemin doesn’t even look in renjuns direction anymore, he’s scared if renjun looks back he might break

nobody in their group questions it anymore, chenle had pulled jaemin aside once, but gave up when jaemin refused to talk

the group just accepted this

jaemin wishes he hated renjun, he wishes renjun did something wrong, because then it wouldn’t be so hard

jaemin wonders if it was this hard for renjun to throw jaemin out of his life?

“have you talked to renjun?” jeno asks, hopeful

“jeno,” jaemin whines, throwing his bag on the couch

“he just doesn’t look alright, he won’t really talk to anyone either, i’m worried about him, i’m worried about you too,” jeno says

jaemin shrugs, “i’m fine,” he lies and goes into his room

jeno walks off to talk to some girl, and jaemin sits on the stool, he doesn’t like parties really.

if it were up to him, he would’ve stayed home, but jeno begged him to come and he felt bad saying no for the millionth time

so jaemin scans the room, looking for someone else who looks like they hate it here so he can make a friend for the night instead of sitting all alone

but jaemins eyes fall on renjun, and his blood boils

because winwin has him up against the wall and he’s kissing down his neck and jaemin hates it

he hates winwin, he hates renjun because winwin is holding him like that

renjuns hands fall to winwins waist, it looks like he pulls him closer,

renjun bites on his lip, leaning his head against the wall like whatever winwins doing feels like the greatest thing ever or something

it pisses jaemin off

renjuns eyes open and jaemins directly in his line of sight,

jaemin drops his cup, finally turning on his heels and ignoring everyone rushing to clean up the glass he broke

he walks out and the harsh cool air of outside slices across his face and he cries

because what was he doing? what was he feeling?

renjun was happy now, renjun was happy without jaemin in his life

so why was jaemin so miserable? why did jaemins heart hurt like it was the glass he shattered

so yeah, jaemin cries, he cries for being a bad friend and he cries for being a bad person

“jaemin!” renjuns voice calls out, it’s distant

jaemin was freaking out a little, he might really have feelings for renjun

but that would ruin everything, his relationship with his family, his friendship with renjun- not that there was much to salvage anyways-, his whole sense of self was tattering and tearing and he was breaking down

“jaemin calm down,” renjuns voice was closer, it felt comforting, but that made jaemin want to run further

jaemin was hyperventilating, terrified of the light he couldn’t stop seeing renjun in

he didn’t want to be gay, but he couldn’t stop it, he couldn’t get rid of these feelings, he hated it

“why did you follow me?” jaemin asks, he’s angry, not really at renjun, but renjuns the reason for the reason he’s angry, so he guesses his anger isn’t technically misplaced, right?

“i was worried-“ renjun started and jaemin cut him off

“well don’t be, don’t worry about me, just go away,” jaemin said with gritted teeth

renjuns features looked so sad jaemin wanted to take his words back, but all the years of hearing slurs forced him to choke down his apology

jeno was sick of this, he was sick of seeing renjun look so shattered and he was sick of jaemin lying to himself because it wasn't making him any happier either

"lets talk," jeno says, he knows he has to be gentle, but he refuses to let jaemin continue on like this

"do we have to?" jaemin asks, frowning, like he expected this

"you need to figure this out, your feelings, why you're so scared, this has been going on too long, you know in your heart what you feel. sitting here day after day and pretending you're someone you aren't isn't doing anyone any good, you're destroying yourself," jeno says, trying his hardest to get jaemin to open his eyes

"I'm really scared," jaemin starts, he doesn't avoid eye contact, jeno has hope

"is this wrong?" he asks, jaemin knows what jeno will say but he has to ask anyways

"jaemin, the only thing wrong with you is that you're not being true to yourself, you're not letting yourself be happy, you're trapped in believing that liking who you like is this horrible thing, but its not, I promise. you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be in love, it doesn't matter who its with, but you deserve love just as much as everyone else," jeno is nervous, he is scared he'll set jaemin in a panic again but jaemin isn't shaking so that's a good sign.

"before I met you, in high school, in freshman year, there were these guys, and um," jaemin starts but his throat feels dry, he wants to tell jeno

jeno just nods when jaemin pauses, jeno doesn't look mad, he doesn't look disgusted in jaemin, he looks like he wants to listen and jaemin tries again

"they thought I was gay, because when we were younger renjun and I would walk home and we would hold hands, but we didn't know that was wrong, anyways, in high school, they remembered me, I didn't do anything to make them remember me, they started following me around again," jaemin wants to continue, even though hes scared, but he trusts jeno, and he needs his opinion

"do you want to sit down?" jeno asks, because jaemins starting to look like he wants to run, and jeno doesn't want to force him into telling him anything he isn't ready for but he cant help but feel like jaemin wants to talk about this.

jaemin nods, following jeno to the couch, they sit, and jeno takes jaemins hand; he wants him to know there's nothing wrong with that, holding another guys hand, whether it be platonic or not

jaemin doesn't pull away, he just looks back at jeno and starts again,

"I tried to tell them that they were wrong about me, but they didn't care, they said I was lying, and-" jaemins noses sting and he tries not to cry because he _always _cries and he hates it

jeno rubs the back of his hand with his thumb and smiles at jaemin

"they had this game, they would take turns at first, trying to touch me, they thought they could make me hard," jaemin feels gross, he worries if maybe jeno is going to be disgusted in him, he worries that jeno might think jaemin really is dirty

but jeno doesn't look disgusted, he doesn't look like he hates jaemin, and it gives jaemin a little more courage,

"it didn't really work, because I was scared, so they didn't give up, they kept trying whenever they caught me alone, and well one of them grabbed me once, and he wouldn't let go and I was terrified because he was trying really hard, and it finally worked and I was so scared, I didn't mean to," jaemin has to look away now, because hes scared to see jenos reaction,

"I don't know why it worked because it didn't feel good, I didn't like it, but they thought I did, and its my fault because I must have, right? if they won their game its because i enjoyed it?" jaemin isn't holding in his tears anymore

jeno doesn't say anything for a moment, jaemin starts to feel anxious because what if jeno blames him too? 

jaemin hears jeno sniffling and he looks up at him, jenos crying, and jeno rarely cries, it makes jaemin cry harder

"none of that is your fault, what they did to you is so wrong and horrible, but you didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve any of it, and you were young, its no wonder your body reacted because that's just what happens sometimes, its not something we can control, and its not anything that you let happen, you didn't have a choice, and jaemin," jeno forces jaemins eyes to meet him, "that was not your fault, you didn't deserve any of it, I promise,"

"but im gay," jaemin whispers, for the first time outloud and he knows jeno loves him no matter what but he cant help but feel terrified.

jaemin doesn't know why he thinks that makes anything change, but a part of him won't let go of the idea

"then you're gay, but that doesn't mean what they did was alright, that still doesn't make it your fault, if a girl did that to me it wouldn't make it okay just because im straight, if I did that to a girl it wouldn't make it okay just because she was straight, it doesn't matter what your sexuality is; what they did was wrong and you didn't deserve it in any way," jeno tells him, he hopes with every piece of him that jaemin will believe him

jeno pulls jaemin in for a hug, the two cry with each other, jeno hopes his words mean something to jaemin

the hug finally breaks, "I'm gay," jaemin whispers again, like hes double checking if jeno will be mad this time

"that's okay," jeno replies and lets jaemin soak that in

jaemin does feel better, he feels like there's been an enormous weight lifted off him, because jeno doesn't treat him differently at all

jenos still his best friend, jeno still the same jeno and jaemin is still the same jaemin too

and jaemin knows he loves renjun. jeno knows this too, because jaemin told him, jeno joked that hes glad jaemin could see the obvious but jaemin knew he wasn't really making fun of him.

"you know you have to talk to him, he doesn't deserve to be shut out," jeno tells jaemin during their walk to class.

"I know, its just hard," jaemin replies, and jeno smiles sadly

jaemin wills his nerves to stop begging him to not say what he’s about to say, to not do what he’s about to do because he knows there won’t be any turning back.

he breathes in roughly, telling himself if he doesn’t say it now he never will

“i love you,” jaemin said, voice shaking

renjun stiffened, instantly turning to face jaemin

“i’m sorry?” renjun said, he looked confused

jaemin sat, staring at his feet, he wanted to throw up

“jaemin?” renjun asked

jaemin didnt move

“look, i don’t know what kind of game you’re playing with me but i don’t appreciate it,” renjun started, jaemin thought he sounded angry at him

“i’m not playing a game,” jaemin said, whispering under his breath because he was so ridiculously nervous

“i don’t know why you’re doing this, what are you gaining?” renjun said, his tone was raising, jaemin thought he really was mad

jaemin stayed quiet again

“this is fucked up jaemin, are you really not gonna talk to me? you’re gonna tell me you love me and then just shut me out again? i dont know why you think this would be such a fun joke to play-“ renjun was beginning to shout

“i love you, renjun, okay? i fucking love you, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry that this isn’t a joke because i think you desperately want it to be and so do i but it isn’t, im so fucking in love with you and i hate myself for it, i hate every second of it, i just want you to be happy but i can’t keep pretending that everything is fine i can’t keep pretending that i’m not utterly in love with you,” jaemin shouts back, he’s crying now

“you don’t get to do this, not when I'm talking to winwin, you don’t get to do this when i’ve done everything in my power to move on from you,” renjun shouts back

and oh, _oh_

jaemins eyes shoot up to renjuns

“move on?” jaemin asks, his voice recoiling

“yes! jaemin! god you’re so fucking dense! there’s no way you hadn’t a clue that i loved you, there’s no way you just didn’t realize,” renjun says

“i had no idea-“ jaemin starts and renjun laughs

“was it jeno? did he tell you to do this?” renjun asks, jaemin furrows his eyebrows in confusion

“they all told you to come fuck with me right?” renjun sounds angry

jaemin doesn’t like it at all

“no- they didn’t- i wouldn’t do that-“ jaemin says, his courage breaking more and more

“you don’t love me jaemin, is it because of that kiss? are you confused? we kissed and you hated it, remember? you haven’t talked to me since that moment, and now you claim you love me? this has to be a joke, i don’t know why you’re doing this,” renjun sounds so hurt and angry and jaemin wants to cry

“i didn’t hate it, i was scared, i am scared, i’m terrified,” jaemin says

“you can walk away right now and we can both forget this, you don’t want me, i don’t know what’s going through your mind right now but i don’t think you’re in the right headspace,” renjun offers

“i don’t want to walk away! i don’t want to forget this! i love you renjun, i’m in love with you, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same but i needed to tell you, i need you to believe me,” jaemins crying now, because that’s all he ever does

“i’m sorry about the kiss, i’m sorry for freaking out, i’m sorry i made you think you did something wrong because you didn’t, you were perfect, you are perfect, i liked it and it scared me because my whole life i heard that being gay was the worst thing to be and the thought of fitting into that box was terrifying, i thought that if i admitted i was gay then i’d be letting everyone down, i thought maybe if i admitted i was gay then that meant everything i’d been through was deserved, that i deserved to experience the things i have, i felt like if i turned out to be gay then it really was my fault that those guys did what they did, but i don’t feel that way anymore, not really, and i don’t care what anyone thinks, i’m still fucking petrified but i don’t care, i know i can’t change this because god i’ve tried but this is who i am, i’m gay and i can’t keep living in denial, and i love you renjun,”

renjun doesn’t say anything, he breaks into tears and pulls jaemin in for a hug

they hold eachother, crying as the crickets chirp around them

“i don’t want you to wake up tomorrow and decide you don’t want me in your life again,” renjun whispers

“i won’t, i’m so sorry renjun, i promise,”

“can we talk about this tomorrow, can we talk through everything?” renjun asks and jaemin nods, whispering yes and pulling renjun a little closer

and they do talk, renjun apologizes for being the first one to break their friendship,

“i was falling for you, and i was scared because i didn’t want you to be grossed out by me? i’ve seen how people can react to gay people and the thought of you being disgusted by me was terrifying, and i didn’t want to ruin our friendship i didn’t want to taint anything, so i just tried to distance myself a little, but you wouldn’t let me, you always came and tried so hard to fix things and you didn’t even know what was going on but you still were reluctant to give up and that just made everything worse because each time you fought for us my heart loved you more,” renjun confesses, jaemin didn’t know how to feel, he remembered being so sad, he remembered staying up late wondering what he did wrong

“then why did you date donghyuk?” jaemin asked

“i thought it would make my feelings for you go away, he knew i loved you, before we dated we were good friends and i would talk about it with him, i guess we thought we could try dating to make things better? but it didn’t really work, i love donghyuk but just in a friendly way, after the night at the party he said he came in and we were cuddled up, and you woke up and left before i woke, i didn’t really remember anything, just that you were there when we went to sleep and gone when i woke up and donghyuk was there and he looked sad? so i thought maybe he saw you, and i started freaking out because i wasn’t sure if we hooked up or something while we were drunk and he caught us, and i was apologizing and i guess he just realized my feelings really weren’t budging? we tried to stay together after that but it really didn’t work, we were more friends than anything.” renjun rambles on, jaemin begins putting everything together

“it really hurt, you know,” renjun starts again, a little quieter

“the kiss? you know i wouldn’t ever do anything you’re not comfortable with, i stopped, i wanted to give you time to tell me no or to give any sign at all that you weren’t into it? i was so sure you were, and then you panicked? i thought i forced you into it, and then you wouldn’t talk to me? you just, you didn’t even look my way? i thought i fucked up real bad, but i didn’t want to talk to you, i was scared you’d tell me i was right. and i know you were hurt too, but jaemin please talk to me, promise me you won’t shut me out again, no matter what it is that bothers you i need to hear it, i need to know what’s going on? is that okay?” renjun asks, eyes watering and jaemin feels so guilty

he nods, apologizing and explaining exactly what he’d been feeling, he explains how he was scared because he didn’t want to admit he liked it because that’s what he’d have to do if he talked to renjun

“i really do love you, and i’m sorry i keep saying it but i never thought in a million years i’d hear it back from you?” renjun sounds so nervous

“i love you too, i wish it didn’t take me so much trouble to admit it,” jaemin says, frowning but renjun just hugs him again

“it’s not your fault,” he says and jaemin smiles

jaemin knows that everything isn’t suddenly okay, he knows they’ve both got healing to do, and he’s already made a mental note to ask mark about getting a therapist tomorrow

for now, jaemin just wants to hold renjun and make sure he doesn’t let him go.


End file.
